My Journey Through Vision Loss
At times it feels like my heart is being pulled into this dark whole. Like all I can or want to do is cry out to God in fear, anger, sadness, questioning why or better yet how will I be ok? I have faced many things in life that have left me terrified, but yet every experience has a different impact, feeling, memory, Vision loss is definitely one of those experiences. Even now writing this, tears fill up in my eyes. My heart says everything will be ok and that God has a plan but as I see changes in my vision I can’t help but be consumed with terror. My flesh says I can’t do this or I wont be ok. Its so frustrating seeing changes and not being able to stop it or control it.
This semester when I realize that I couldn’t recognize people anyone unless I was very familiar with them and could recognize their voices I got scared. I didn’t want to go anywhere by myself and when I did and someone said hello to me I just said hello back wondering who that person was.. People try to be so friendly yet I feel like I can’t be friendly like they are because half the time I don’t know who they are. I find myself often times saying “hey who are you? Sorry I can’t see you.”
So much of me wants to be strong and as I convince everyone else around me that my vision loss is ok I hope that I will believe it and become ok with it as well. But, the truth is; no matter how much I talk about it and say that God has this under control, I wont be any more ok with it then I was the last time I said it. Vision loss is a big deal and a huge change that needs accepting and adjusting to. To become ok with the circumstance I must look at the situation and embrace it, working through it. I think deep down, that is what I fear. I fear excepting that this is reality.. I fear that I will have to watch my vision loss progress and change slowly and will have to adjust 10,000 times over again. I fear that in the end I wont be ok. This is something I thought I would never have to deal with or experience, yet here I am in the midst of the storm unable to “see” where this journey is taking me.
As I was talking to a friend the other day I realized that there are little bits of blessings squeezed between the changes of my vision. As I notice my vision change I notice that God calls me closer to Himself. As my vision decreases my dependence on him increases. Without God it is impossible for me to be ok, but I trust that there is a plan for my life in this journey through vision loss. Without pain, fear, worry, I would have no reason to depend on the Lord for strength and guidance. With these feelings though, comes the process of grieving. I now know it is ok to cry over what I am loosing in my vision but remembering that in the big picture I am gaining so much more. A stronger dependence and reliance on the Lord who sustains me when I am weak and gives me the strength when I feel I can’t take another step.
I still don’t know how I am going to be ok with the changes that are occurring and I don’t know how much vision I will loose or how long it’ll take for me to loose it, but as I cling to the Lord in desperation I know and trust He will help, protect, sustain, and guide me. Right now that is all I have and that is enough for me.
Peace to you all,
A W Tozer
Peace to you all,
"To believe actively that our Heavenly Father constantly spreads around us providential circumstances that work for our present good and our everlasting well-being brings to the soul veritable benediction. Most of us go through life praying a little, planning a little, jockeying for position, hoping but never being quite certain of anything and always secretly afraid that we will miss the way. This is a tragic waste of truth and never gives rest to the heart. There is a better way. It is to repudiate our own wisdom and take instead the infinite wisdom of God. Our insistence upon seeing ahead is natural enough, but is a real hindrance to our spiritual progress. God has charged Himself with full responsibility for our eternal happiness and stands ready to take over the management of our lives the moment we turn in faith to Him."