Something I have been working on the last 2 months is believing Gods best for me in His word. Believing that He has a plan in place for my life and believing what He says about me is true. Seeing myself as “beautifully and wonderfully made” or “perfect in his imagine just the way He made me to be.” In our society looks are taking over everything, from Tv to billboards to magazines. Our perception of what is healthy or beautiful is distorted!
For the last 5 years I have been battling an eating disorder on and off. It wasn’t until this last year that I felt I couldn’t take it anymore but I didn’t know what to do. I was afraid that the control I thought I had would be taken away. In reality I had no control anyways. I was loosing weight and loved getting complements all the time, it made me feel good about myself, even though I still hated myself for what I was doing! Things started going downhill fast and then 2 months ago happened.
A word I want you to remember today is Repentance! Its durable and brings about Gods kingdom in your midst, it’s the key to the abundant life full of grace that God desires for us.
Repentance means to change ones mind because of the consequences of sin. Or a change of mind consequent to the after knowledge indicating regret for the course perused and resulting in a wiser view of the past and the future. To regret because of the consequences of ones act or acts to comprehend. We repent not because we are in trouble but because we have a wiser view of the past and future. We comprehend our actions; we choose to change our minds to agree with Gods word and to believe Gods word and what He says.
In my case I have recently repented and am choosing to place myself where God is and trying and see what He sees in me rather then what I see in the mirror or what the world sees in me. I am choosing to change my mind, to agree with Gods word and to believe what His word says. This hasn’t been easy! Its taken a lot of wrong turns to get to this point but I am happy to say that I am thankful for a God who loves me unconditionally and always takes me back no matter what!
2 ½ years ago I stood up here and told my testimony.. The story of my life and how God was molding me into the beautiful creation that He made me to be. Through the good times and bad, but to be quite honest I thought this was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. Admitting that I was not perfect and had a lot of things to work though! So I thought.. Little did I know I was about to encounter trials that would make standing up here seem like nothing. Well the mane reason why I wanted to talk to you today is because I want you to know how great our God is! I truly believe that everything happens for a reason and everything I’ve faced in my life is going to be used for the glory of God! All things working together for good not bad!
I don’t know what needs to be said today but I am trusting that whatever comes out of my mouth is from the Lord and needs to be spoken to you. I don’t know what you are struggling with or your life circumstances but I do know that we serve a mighty God! A God who is forever understanding, forgiving, comforter, a shelter from the storm, a resting place and a foundation beneath our feat!
Today I turned 22 and honestly a couple of months ago I didn’t even know if I would make it to this day.. I’ve never felt so low in my life… I would wear a smile on my face but those who really new me could see it in my eyes.. They could see that I wasn’t alright, that I didn’t want to be alive anymore. Hiding behind a smile only did so much.. And the little that it did do wasn’t anything good! I lied to my family at home so they wouldn’t worry about me but then it got to the point that I was scared for my life.. I was confused. I wanted to be alive but I didn’t. Deep down I was broken and trying to cling with all I had to the hope I have in the Lord. The hope that He would never give me more then I could handle., but on the surface of it all I didn’t think I would last another night.. Every day I would say “Taylor you just have to make it through today.. just make it past this 1 minute, you can do this!!” I new I didn’t have the courage to actually take my own life but I didn’t want to test the waters! I was hardly eating anything and couldn’t sleep, I was restless and didn’t know what to do! Being on the ledge is not a fun place to be, technically speaking. But The Lord is bringing freedom, healing, comfort and wisdom through all of this!
Around the middle of October I decided I would check myself into a hospital so that I would have a sense of security knowing that I would be safe there! This was one of the newly discovered hard things I never thought I would have to do; yet God was with me through it all! He placed amazing people in my life that would be willing to sit there, wait, listen, and support me! No matter how hard it was for me or them.. At first I felt completely ashamed that I was going to a hospital for suicidal thoughts and an eating disorder but I knew I had to protect myself and if that is what it took then I was going to do it! One thing I have learned is that this is not something to be ashamed of! In the moment wile I was going through it, yes I felt ashamed but now as I look back I now know that God intended for me to go there! It gave me a great opportunity to get to know others who were struggling with similar situations and it opened the door for me to share with them my faith in the Lord. I prayed over a young girl who is schizophrenic and then the next day lead a bible study which resulted in a bible study the next 2 nights as well.. Yes I was struggling.. yes I was in a hospital because of it.. But was God still able to use me?? YES! It is because of our obedience in Christ that allows Him to use us in every single circumstance we face in our daily lives. DO NOT count yourself at loss because you feel lost, broken, alone, afraid, it is when we are weak that He is STRONG! HE IS STRONG! Not us! But it is Christ in us that pulls us through the hard times! We cannot get through this life without Christ and I promise you that if it wasn’t for Him I would not be alive right now! It is because of my hope in Him that I can stand up here today and tell you how great he truly is!
When I got out of the hospital I was at school only for 3 full days until my parents made the decision to have me come home! Here is another very difficult thing I thought I would never have to encounter. My goal was to survive to the end of the semester! Just 6 weeks more, and here I was being told that I was flying home the next day, without a choice in the matter. I felt abandoned, alone, afraid, lost, broken, helpless, as if everything I have worked for was now gone.. But what I didn’t realize was how bad off I really was.. At this point I could hardly walk on my own and was passing out. I could hardly go an hour without having a panic attack; I would have never made it to the end of the semester! I realize that now, not then!
Now I want you to see where I am headed with this! God HAS a plan for your life!! It may not line up with your plan but just because it doesn’t match doesn’t mean it wont work. Chances are if you just let Him lead, you will be much better off! My plan was to last till the end of the semester; Gods plan was for me to come home! Because I obeyed and came home I had more free time to spend with the Lord. Because I came home I was able to rest and focus on healing spiritually, mentally and physically and began to enjoy the things I loved again such as playing the piano!
This next year will mark a victory in my life! I am taking on a challenge that I thought I would never have to take on, but you know what? God is faithful and good and He has a plan that is far greater then any plan I could ever put together! I’ve trusted and waited on Him and His timing and because I have I will be spending the Next year living on a farm in NH. I will be going to a facility called His Mansion! A Christ centered residential treatment center that will help me find freedom in Christ from all the issues I’ve experienced or have had to deal with in that last couple of years. God has truly opened up the doors for me to go to this place and I honestly had my doubts.. I thought I wasn’t good enough to go.. I thought that maybe I wasn’t sick.. that it was all in my head.. In a sense that is correct. It is all in my head but wile I’m away Ill learn how to let the Lord lead and how to surrender my pain, fears, anger and whatever other emotion satin can use to trap me and Ill find freedom in the Lord! This place is free to anyone 18-35 years of age and is there to help young men and women find healing through the Lord in a community like environment.
It is because of the Grace of God that I am saved and it is because of my faith in the Lord that allows me to stand up here today! A friend of mine once told me “Taylor If satin didn’t see you as a threat then why would he be trying so hard to get rid of you?” I have no idea what Gods plan is for my life but I surrender it all to Him! Because I’ve done this I can sleep peacefully at night now.. Not dreading the fact that I have to wake up in the morning, but celebrating the new day that I have been blessed to have so that maybe I can be used to change someone’s life. Yes I have been through a lot in my life but I wouldn’t change a thing about it, because God HAS a plan and as long as you obey and follow Him, trusting that He knows what He is doing, then everything will work out great! Far greater then anything you could possibly imagine!
“I want to be the kind of person that when my feat hit the floor each morning, satin yells “OH NO!!! SHE’S AWAKE!!!”
As I go through this next year I am going to build up into this kind of person! Yes I know I will fall along the way but I am not perfect. None of us are! That is something I’ve been trying really hard to comprehend, that I am not perfect and I do mess up. Wile I am away I will not have Internet or my cell phone.. But I can receive mail! I have with me cards that have the address on it so if anyone would care to write me wile I am away please feel free to pick one up! Your support and encouragement is greatly needed and appreciated! I can’t get through this alone but we can get through it together as a body of Christ! With that being said I would like to end with this statement and verse.
Your circumstances may not be what you envisioned, but they are no obstacle for God. Paul learned that God was fully capable to reveal Himself, not only in the expected places, but in that which was unexpected as well. Paul wrote, But thanks be to God, who always leads us in His triumph in Christ, and manifests through us the sweet aroma of the knowledge of Him in every place (2 Cor 2:14). As you exercise your faith, as you rest, trusting in Him, do what Christ would do in your circumstances. Unbelief will flee as you become Christlike in the crisis. God will turn your setback into a setup that releases destiny.
With Lots of Love
P.s- As I mentioned in my last post, NO MORE SECRETS! God has given me a testimony to share and as far as I am concerned, I want it to be used for the Glory of God! I am done hiding and living in fear or shame! I am going to find freedom from my pain! I PROMISE, because God is faithful and knows the desires of my heart! 1 year from now ill be back here with LOTS of glorious stories to share of my adventures with the Lord!
Until Next Time!