Hey Lovely readers! Sorry its been a wile since i wrote last.. A lot of things have been going on in my life.. Some good, some bad but overall I have a sense of peace. The Lord is so good to me and I am so blessed and honored that He still cares so much and still wants to help me... I have taken so many wrong turns in my life that I feel so unworthy of this kind of love... I know I don't deserve it in the least bit but, He still cares..
About a month ago my parents made the decision for me to come home from college.. I wasn't doing a very good job of taking care of myself.. I guess i was hoping that the more I helped others and payed attention to them and there needs, that maybe my issues would just go away.. I LOVE helping people and being there for them.. Well what I thought would work, didn't.. I came home feeling so broken, so alone, helpless, trapped, abandoned, betrayed... But the one word I now realize i didn't feel, was "Hopeful.." I felt like I had no hope.. Like there was no point in living any longer.. I felt as if I had lost everything I've worked so hard to get.. My friends.. the clubs/organizations I was involved in at school, my health, my life, and in a little way, God.. I couldn't understand why this was happening to me.. why couldn't I just take care of myself in the first place? My family was frustrated yet scared all at the same time because they have never seen me as low as i had been.. No one new how to act or what to say to me, which was very difficult.. But the Lord is ALWAYS faithful!!! I had no idea what I was going to do next, so I prayed... I prayed and prayed and prayed.. Asking the Lord to guide me unto the way I should go.. doors began to open before me and that was when I realized that there is always room for Hope.. The Lord did not give us a heart of fear but a heart of courage! God was telling me "Taylor I know you are scared.. But trust in me and everything will be ok!! I PROMISE!!" So I began to trust that He new what He was doing.. Even when I had no clue what to do or what to expect, God had a plan so why should I be afraid??
Like I said Doors began to open unto me and resources and connections began flowing in like a blanket of monsoon rain. With the God given free time I now had (since I wasn't at school) I began the search for a treatment center to go to. A place that was Christ centered, a place of healing and restoration, a place that God wanted ME to go to, and of course a place that wasn't extremely expensive.. (which is hard to find..) So I continued to trust the Lord even though i had fear that it wasn't going to work out.. Fear that I wasn't worth the time or effort, fear that I didn't deserve healing.. Now I don't know why I felt this way.. Maybe that was just Satan in my head..
I found 2 places- Christian based and FREE
Mercy Ministries (MM)
His Mansion Ministries (HM)
Patiently waiting.. I filled out my applications and sent them in.. (let me tell you... waiting for the unexpected is one of the HARDEST things to do.. In my opinion anyways!) So I waited and waited and then got a phone interview for MM, then had to wait another week for the actual interview.. I honestly think that there is always room for improvement when it comes to patience.. We could all use some help in that area.. haha I know God is always testing mine!
Well then a week later... I got a call from HM! They wanted to set up a phone interview!! The interview went great and I just had an overwhelming peace that this was the place I needed to go!! A friend of mine whose nephew went to this facility had so many good things to say about it.. Then her sister (who has a prayer ministry in Dallas tx) told me that she would sponsor me to go there if I got in! Then on top of all of this her sister knows a girl whose name is also Taylor. Well ironically Taylor just got out of HM in the Spring of last year! She called HM for me and gave them a heads up that they would be receiving my application soon and told them a little about me. How COOL is that??? It was as if God was telling me.. I want you HERE!! I am going to make the way before you so that you will not have to worry about a thing.. 1 month later I got excepted into HM.. actually just found out last Monday, November 28 2011!!! It was the most reassuring feeling I've had this whole time of waiting.. I felt so hopeful that my patience and faith in the Lord payed off!! Now there also was the doubting feeling in my head.. like "oh my gosh.. do i deserve this?? Do I really need to go to a treatment center??" But as those thoughts pop in and out of my head I remind myself that the Lord is taking care of me and if I wasn't supposed to go to HM then I would have never got excepted in the first place.. The Father is in control and I trust Him with ALL of my heart!! What else do I have to do.. Except waist my time worrying about something that is already being taken care of for me!
Every day I remind myself that the Lord HAS a plan and if He opens a door I WILL go through it! Yes it may be hard and terrifying at times but if the Lord is with you no one can harm you! WE as Christians are untouchable!! Often times I forget that... Satan gets it in my head that I've already lost so why keep on fighting or are you really worth it? But the TRUTH is; Jesus already paid the price for our sins! Victory has already been won! I am the child of the King and untouchable because the same power that raised Christ from the dead is the SAME power that lives inside of me and every other Believer!! What CAN'T we do if we have that same power??
I know i've talked a lot but I feel like this has to be said! God knows we are NOT perfect!! But He doesn't want us to live broken lives either.. He is the healer, the bringer of good things! Some times we ask for prayers to be answered and things don't work out the way you wanted them to.. Remember that God KNOWS what He is doing!! He can see the big picture!! We just see a tiny conner... Trust and know that the Lord is Good! He is the ONLY thing that can give you joy in life even in the worst part of the storm.. You will always have that Joy in your heart!! Happiness comes and goes but Joy lasts forever!!
If I didn't have my faith or hope in the Lord I wouldn't be alive right now.. I would have given up a long time ago.. I know that God has a HUGE plan in store for my life and apart of that plan involves me going to His Mansion for a year... Seeking healing, guidance, comfort, strength, and knowledge on who He is, who I am in Him, and how He sees me! One year from NOW I will be free from all of my pain! Yes I know that the road is going to be rough ahead but I know that God is always going to be with me and will help me through the many storms I am going to encounter.
Im terrified about going to a place, a place I've never been and going all alone, knowing no one there... But although the fear is boiling up I remember that God has a plan! This is where He wants me to go! Its just another adventure I get the privilege to go on with my Father in Heaven and another test of my faith!
Know that the Lord is always faithful!! He loves you SO very much and everything we go through will build you up and make you a stronger believe in Him! If life was perfect we would have no reason to to have faith or to trust in the Lord when times were tough! It is because of the difficult times in our lives that make us who we are today! The amazing person God made you to be! Perfect in HIS IMAGE!! (I am working on this last part!)
Things happen for a reason right??
Because I came home I have been blessed in many different ways!
-Time of relaxation
-More time to spend with the Father
-Communication with my family is getting a "little" better (definitely hard at time.. lots of miscommunication as well)
-Time to research and meditate on where God was calling me to go
-Time with my church family and being able to receive there encouragement and support as well
-Time to practice piano again!!! Life at school left me with no time to play anymore and that was really hard..
-Having the opportunity to learn new piano music and play in my friends piano recital
-Being able to see my sister as she goes through the end of her pregnancy and being able to meet my nephew! (that is when he is born...any day now!)
-Having the opportunity to make a baby quilt for my new nephew
-Learn new recipes
-Got to have thanksgiving with my family
-Don't have to stress about finals and can focus on regaining strength and healing for now!
All of these things would have never happened if my parents never made the decision for me to come home. (2 months shy of the end of the semester..) I am so blessed to have a family that cares so much about me.. I know it has been hard for them to see me hurt but its because of that pain that I am able to write this to you write now.. Times get hard and although I was VERY angry (at first) with the fact that I couldn't finish the semester, I am now blessed beyond belief that things have turned out the way they have and I now trust God completely, more then ever before!!
Blessings come in many different shapes and sizes, so even if God sends you a blessing and its not in the form you wanted it in.. Except it and remember that God HAS a plan! It may not line up with your plan (most of the time it doesn't) But NEVER stop believing! Never for one second let Satan convince you that YOU are not worth anything.. Because you are worth EVERYTHING!!
I pray that in some way what I have shared with you has given you a sense of hope, a sense that you are NOT alone!