I decided to extend this entry for another week because “Aspirations” is a hard subject to cover… I have been trying to figure out what I wanted from this entry, I know what I want to be when I grow up.. I have dreams, I have plans, I have ideas.. Sometimes that is all they are going to be.. but what do I really want for my life, how important do I really see myself as? Where do I see myself in the next 10 years? These are all really hard things for me to answer about myself..
I have been feeling very weak lately and have been letting Satin get into my thoughts and he has been getting a hold of me and telling me that I am not good enough, that I can’t do it, so I might as well just give up now.. I have been fighting that for a while trying to convince myself that its not true.. That I am worth fighting for, that JC gave up his life so that I may live and be happy!
After I chose this topic and began to really think about my aspirations I realized that I couldn’t write this post yet. I new what I was going to say.. I was going to say that I didn’t want to be here, that I just wanted to be with God, where there is no pain, no sorrow, no hurting at all! Only happiness for everyone! I kept thinking about how awesome Heaven is going to be and then I would look at the world and my life and it would make me want that happiness even more.. It has been a constant battle for me to get through this but God has been with me and continues to be with me.. He is trying to show me that there is beauty in the world and that it isn’t all sad and broken.. My photography is an example of that.. God has given me the ability to capture the beauty in the world, but the only problem is that it doesn’t change the circumstances that you or I are in.. I have to just continue to trust and rely on God that he does do all things for good and that He does have a plan and purpose for my life despite how much I am hurting or struggling right now.. With that being said here are my aspirations for my life:
I want to be happy and I want to change lives! I want my life to be an example of Gods forever-mighty power that shows how He can transform a life of brokenness to something whole and new! Something BEAUTIFUL! I want people to look at my life and say, “I want what she has!” It is extremely hard for I’m sure every Christian to have that strong faith all the time.. We are all only human and cant be perfect.. (a little thing I am trying to work on…) I want to be alive and well with a husband and kids some day. I want my life to be worth something that is meaningful and can be passed on to the future generation! I want to be able to love myself the way I am and appreciate everything I’ve got!
On a side note: I am at school right now and I was freaking out about a stupid class… Which in the long run wont even matter in my life.. I was approaching this class with the feeling that I may not be able to do very well and I was so scared and wanted to escape… The fact that I am probably going to fall short of my standards really upset me because I already felt like a failure.. I am not perfect and want to be very badly, so dealing with this is hard for me, but it is good because I can grow from this experience... A good friend had to point out to me that it is just a class and that it is ok to get a C or even a B, its not like when your married and have a family your going to look back and think “oh my gosh because of that stupid class my life is miserable right now…” its not going to be that way at all.. so I need to just let it go and stop freaking out about that so much! Yes you need to try your hardest in everything you do, but if you are not perfect in everything, that is alright.. We are not perfect and cannot be. =)
I hope that in some way these journal entry’s are helping you! For me I can’t even tell you how much its been helping me out! I have been discovering so much stuff about myself that I never new before! It’s actually helping me a lot more then I thought I would! I hope you all have a great week and realize how blessed you are!!
With lots of love
Next week Journal entry:
Think about the things in your life that make you smile, laugh, or just plain happy.. it can be a memory, inside joke, the picture of someone, or really anything that puts a smile on your face.. Ready.. get set.. have fun!!!